As I mentioned, we jumped into this whole baby abyss about nine months ago with the totally rational and not at all unreasonable idea that the only thing standing between us and an adorable,
cooing infant was relaxed, plentiful sex, nine months of eating ice cream and
voila: BABY! (That’s exactly how it works, right?). But then, it didn't work.
What follows are a few gems of wisdom picked up during nine months of the-trying-isn’t-working:
1. Just relax!
(This is obviously a joke. This is something
your doctor, who is literally nine
months pregnant, and probably conceived all of her seven children naturally
after her husband just looked at her,
tells you as you sit in her office, fingernails bitten down to the elbows. This
is something your friend tells you, the one who “ohmygod, got pregnant after
one month of trying, isntthatcrazy?!” This is something your mother tells you,
but then asks you on the regular whether or not you are yet pregnant. But
seriously, whataboutnow? But you
cannot relax. Because you had a plan for this whole pregnancy thing. You had a
plan for actually having this baby in
time for a summer marathon/learning how to knit a cute and possibly ironic fall
sweater/trekking across Bhutan. Because you were totally going to do
those things. With a ten month old. On your back. But now, you cannot. Because now,
your sole focus is planning the days on which you and your husband will both be
home at exactly the same, very romantic, time.)
2. Which brings us to number two. Have a lot
of transactional sex because you are using the cycle beads and the stupid cycle
beads say YOU MUST HAVE SEX EVERY DAY FOR TWELVE DAYS STARTING NOW, we don’t
care if you’re tired and just ate a lot of cookies fun!
3. You are not alone!
(You are totally alone. Every single woman you
know between the ages of 18-40 is currently pregnant or has recently given
birth to the most beautiful-precious-porcelain-doll-of-a-gorgeous-baby, none of
whom look all weird and grandpa-alien-ish, and there is literally no one, not a
single other person in the entire god for saken universe who has ever tried as
long as you have to have a baby – which is really not that long at all. Also:
Facebook. Honestly. You swing wildly back and forth between liking every single picture of a child
under the age of three – even the only semi cute, goblin looking children of
some former intern who you have literally exchanged not seven words with – and
feeling like, hey girl, I do not need
this constant stream of adorable baby mugs and fawning social-media-o-sphere
taunting me with every teeny-tiny baby mitten and teeny-tiny fuzzy baby chicken
Halloween costume ever sold or made.
So alas, you are going to have to leave Facebook. Because that is a
totally rational, not impulsive decision and the only available option.
Obviously.[1]
)
4. The mommy blogs. Dear lord in heaven, the
mommy blogs.
(The mommy blogs, collectively speaking, are a
deep, dark, discombobulating vortex into which you will fall. Hard. You will
become irrationally obsessed with mommy blogs as a way to numb your pain
get excited about motherhood! But it’s okay! Because even though you do not
have a child, and are neither breastfeeding nor pregnant, it is totally imperative
that you form deep, nuanced opinions on cloth diapers, “keeping baby safe from
scary electrical outlet thingy,” and some mystery verb called “Ferberizing.” Oh,
you are ready for that baby and now that you suddenly discovered these
feminist, progressive mom-ladies and their profound missives on the interwebs, the
amount of time you spend reading this stuff is bordering on crazy town.)
5. The TV is a bunch of lying liars.
(Getting pregnant is totally not at all like
they say it is in Teen Mom. You will know because after months of “trying”, you
will convince your husband to pretend that you are both totally irresponsible sixteen
year olds and you are like, you know,
hooking up at his parents house, and he like totally doesn’t want to wear a
condom, because you know, it like doesn’t feel good, and plus he’s “too big”,
and you think you took your birth control but umm, you don’t really know because
whateverrrr, so let’s just bang, hmm? Spoiler alert: you will not get pregnant this way despite your
strong work impersonating the only-semi-literate stars of MTVs hit series which
is made for people much younger than
you and which you totally do not watch
while working out. Anyway, you’re still not pregnant.)
[1]
You do not leave Facebook because, duh, how would you remember birthdays? Also,
the cute babies!
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